So, I have reached my limit. That usually happens when I get bored or when the stress goes so high that it exceeds my patience for it. I haven’t been so active in this blog because the world has been going crazy and I have been fighting with it. I’ve had a bit of everything- family issues, work issues, health issues, mind issues, lots of anxiety, and lots of trying to please everyone. Yeah, yeah, enough is enough I say!
I have been humiliated, insulted, worked to the bones, deprived of many things and I have no idea where I stand in my path right now, which made me draw the line and say “fuck off” to everyone. As of tomorrow on, I am a free being- free from sleepless nights, free of my head whining about being alone, free of bad thoughts, free of some shitty people talking down on me. Life is too short to be stressed out about every single thing; it’s time to ride the wave.
On my way home from rehearsals, climbing the stairs of the metro station I had the following thought: “Maybe I should give up and look for a more prospective future.” I stopped climbing, both literally and poetically. When we start losing faith in ourselves, that’s usually one of the signs it’s time to show the middle finger to the world and live life as we see fit. I fought so hard, waited so long, been so polite, proper and obedient only to be met with deceits, lies and injustice, and what’s more that horrible thought of giving up on the one thing that makes me Vasilena! There’s a monologue I’ve been assigned to say in the new play we are doing. I couldn’t get it right the first few times because every time I asked myself: ‘What do you want to say to the people listening, what do you want to say to the world?” the answer would always be: “Nothing. I don’t want to tell them jack…” My soul has been corrupted by idiocricy and negativity that have become my routine now. Is that what a young person graduating art school should be thinking in her final year?! No, no! Like a ghost, I acknowledged the presence of this thought and kicked its ass out of my being. It’s time to get a grip people! Enough suffering and self-pity, let’s live and enjoy ourselves! Let’s fight for THE DREAM again!
Usually, in moments like these I do things I am afraid of- like flying with a parachute or watching a horror movie, cutting my hair off when I know it’s theatre season, wearing crazy outfits or speaking up when someone is telling lies. Suddenly I felt deep desire to express myself and be happy with myself and who I am- a struggling actor, who will probably die trying to be worldwide known professional with many things to say, contribute to and do. If that gets me killed, then so be it. If that makes people dislike me or talk about me- even better!
I heard myself for the first time in a year probably. On those dirty steps where I got stuck, I heard myself think about how long life still is and how everything is still very much possible. Despite the horror in the world- our dreams, the belief in ourselves will always be stronger. After I reached my home I turned on the music, I sang, I wrote, I thought about things and all I wanted to do was share that with the man I love. I felt overwhelmed with that love for him and my family, appreciation for the opportunities I’ve gotten so far. My skin felt vibrant, I wanted to make art again, I wanted to be my true self, deprived of the world outside and filled with my heart and soul instead.
Being so extremely serious, polite and concerned isn’t always the best choice and isn’t necessarily helpful. Sometimes the world needs a bit more you and a bit less proper.
Get a grip friends, it’s time to work it!