Winter is here. People are starting to wear thicker clothes, sweaters, scarfs with reindeer; I can see kids biting chocolate Santas while being pulled by their parents who are carrying gift bags and groceries. The day is much shorter. I can feel the air pinching my cheeks. There are a lot of tangerines and oranges being sold outside on the street kiosks. Everything seems merry and normal for everyone but me. I don’t like winter and each year has been a certifier of my loath for it. For some time I thought it was because of the cold and the inconvenience connected to it, and while that may have something to do with my hate, it isn’t the whole truth.
Winter has brought quite a lot of traumatic experiences to me. It was in the winter when I lost both of my grandparents. It was in the winter when I got hit by a car. It was in the winter when I was left with no place to live. It was in the winter when I had to deal with depression. Basically, all the horrible things in my life happened during this dreadfully cold season. I hate to admit that it has left some bitterness in me and every year I feel a sense of fear when it begins. If you have seen the movie “Where the heart is” with Natalie Portman, I have a phobia similar to that of the main character- she was scared of the number five, I’m scared of winter. I hate the sensation of it. Yesterday my sister and I went shopping for winter shoes in the Mall. There were Christmas decorations everywhere, people were laughing and walking around buying woolen sweaters and big mugs, kids were playing with fake snow inside the rinks, just a happy place, one would think. All I felt was anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong, shit happens every day, regardless of the time and place, but there’s something unusually eerie about the fact it always happens in the winter for me. I have decided this won’t happen again. Not because I will use law of attraction and positive thinking to navigate the world and the wave of issues that might be coming my way, but because I will become a stronger person. The change will come from within me.
I have been trying to spend more time around my fears. Like my fear of the dark. The place I live in has a backyard which I need to cross before I can get in the apartment building. It can get scary when the lights don’t work, and when I add the fact I am a woman who lives on her own, a woman studying drama, a woman with a huge imagination span. I have seen so many things in that yard- raptors, the clown from IT, ex boyfriends, ghosts, everything! Sometimes I see them while I do sprints… It’s not like that anymore. I sometimes enter the backyard and just sit in the dark like that for a couple of minutes. It’s actually nice- dark and quiet, and I like quiet. It’s the same with the sensation of winter. I spend a lot of time on stage now, and nobody is willing to turn on the heating of such a huge hall for a rehearsals, it’s just too costly. This means I spend about 12 hours in the cold. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s funny how I am willing to change everything about myself for the purpose of becoming a better actor. I don’t want to skip rehearsals because I’m cold, or because I’m trembling or even sick. Actors don’t yawn or sneeze or cough or tremble. It’s not like I’m going to see this huge stage and get the chance to be in it but refuse because it’s freezing. Speaking of acting, I might be given the chance to play Lady Macbeth. That is huge! This role is captivating, challenging and if done well a sure rode to success. Maybe you have heard about the curse around Macbeth and that whenever someone utters his name on stage something really bad happens and that’s usually the death of the actors playing in it. Now, I am a little bit superstitious, but for my craft I am ready to sacrifice everything. I have been repeating “Macbeth” every time when I’m on stage, often siting under iron bars that hold the searchlights, which gets my colleagues upset, I often get someone’s hand over my mouth when I start repeating it, but tell me: would I be wise to refuse such a great role for “a curse” or something like that?! Of course not! So, the solution is to get out of my heard. Fears, anxiety, traumas often deprive us from the chance to explore ourselves and to reach our most secret desires but we live once, I figured. I don’t want to waste my life in mind games. At the end of the day, that’s what all of this is- a mind game.
The thing about traumatic experiences (for me, at least) is that often there’s the factor of denial that anything happened at all, or if not denial there’s this desire for quick recovery, almost too sudden and unnatural. I, personally, never gave time for my wounds to heal, I never acknowledged them and I guess they piled up in my mind, letting me remember them every time I see the first snowflake falling. But, that’s over with. It’s extremely pleasant to admit to your fears and flaws. I created this blog because I wanted to express my appreciation and faith for the human strength both mental and physical. I don’t think there are impossible things, I think we can achieve everything with discipline and self-awareness, I believe we can strive for more, we can achieve more and I just love exploring this world and the people in it. Fear, security, self-doubt, winter – those are the kind of things that stop us from following our dreams and living happy lives… It’s absurd because the minute we dive into our fears we discover something new about ourselves and often that’s: “Hey, that wasn’t so bad”. It’s just emotions and thoughts about things that might not even be real. It is absurd! So, here I am, in a quest to start loving winter and learning to accept life rather than expect it.
I don’t know if there’s a magical force that sprinkles shit on my head every time December 1st hits, or maybe it’s just a coincidence, none of that matters, because we can’t change the course of life. What matters is how we overcome and how we make something out of it.