Having tough time being positive?

Being positive and focusing on the good things in life is harder than it sounds. It’s yet another thing that needs work. But, if we think about it there isn’t easy ways towards success. If we want to lose weight we cut out on our calories and do exhausting work outs. If we want to get a promotion we work extra hours and skip family events. If we want to get a car we cut our budget in two and save one half. It’s the same with positivity- if we want to be positive we make efforts daily and we try to fight off the comfortable bad thoughts. (Yes, bad thoughts are comfortable habits of denying any possibility of change or growth, which otherwise would require you to work extra)

Being more positive and believing good things can happen to me was a serious decision I made for this year being that I have become quite skeptical about everything in my life, which is not who I am. It’s been tough, but I have been putting in concrete efforts to spot the good in life. I would like to note how grateful I am to my parents for giving me an education I occasionally go back to for help, as I did in this instance.  I came so far that the only superstition I went to for answers was the quantum one.

You have probably heard of Mr. Erwin Schrödinger and his cat in a box experiment. In a nutshell, it’s a cat stuck in a box with poison. What’s fascinating about this experiment is that the cat is equally dead and alive until the moment you open the box. I tried to apply that thinking hypothetically in my life. If I’m worried that something bad will happen, I remember this experiment and immediately feel obliged to give positive outcome the same amount of possibility, because until the event occurs I have no way of being sure of the results. It’s that complete change of reoccurring thoughts that matters the most, not the result itself. I often have this thought: “I feel anxious, maybe something bad will happen”, which I have switched with: “Whoa, I’m so anxious, perhaps something awesome is coming my way, a change maybe.” After that switch I can feel my brain jumping in surprise even, as if trying to say: “How dare you!” (I even make a laugh out of this whole thing). As much as I can be a spiritual and faithful, science beats the game and if theoretically I have as much chance of winning an Oscar as not I will take it and I will nurture those thoughts sweetly every day!

The cat may be dead when you open the box but it’s the fact that you are training your mind to think differently and give chance to even the slightest possibility (which scientifically is not less than half) of great, happy moments occurring is what counts.

 

 

Why things aren’t working out

Have you ever had a time in your life where you work super hard, you do what’s expected of you and everything seems to be alright, but you’re still not succeeding and moving forward? I have been feeling this a lot for the past few months and I might have found out why this happens.

Simply said, in most cases, what we do to achieve our goals is not enough. 

That’s what I discovered after throughout research on the matter of hustling. I always thought that if I did my job accordingly, I would be ensured success. Whether it was in my previous employments or currently in my college things always seem to be alright and I feel good about my performance but that’s how it stays- alright and stagnant. Then I saw an interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger where he spoke of his early- days routine: how he would get up at 4AM to work out until it was time to go to his day time job and then attend acting classes at night. “Sleep faster!” is what the man said. I wasn’t even close to that kind of work ethic. The more inspirational speeches I saw and the more interviews of successful people I watched I would learn that big dreams require a lot of hard work. I think it’s good to also define what hard work actually entices because as I said it’s easy to confuse working the amount that’s expected of us as being hard. For the purpose of defining hard work I made a little list of things I believe The Hustle includes and I tested them to make sure I know what I’m talking about.  And here there are:

Exceed expectations.

This year in my speech class I was given the assignment to pick two Shakespeare sonnets, which would also be included in the final exam performed in front of audience. If it was last year I would have simply picked two, but since I was testing my list I decided on 4. I didn’t know if that was allowed or not but I suggested them and now I am the only girl in my class who gets to say 4, as it turns out the professor was pleased with my interpretation, which is funny because I absolutely detest poetry/sonnets. I went beyond my preferences, which helped me grow and find out a something new about myself. I exceeded the assignment and broke the rules, but in return I will receive more stage time and opportunity to showcase my talents.

Get inconvenienced.

I am not particularly social and I don’t like to start conversations with people I don’t know. But because I think having contacts is vital for success, I have made it a point to mingle at parties and introduce myself to complete strangers.  A lot of the times I would meet fellow student actors or working actors and we would share experience, which is always helpful. I would learn about castings, directors’ projects, or get valuable advice. That’s how I learnt about an information session by this Bulgarian actor who made a career abroad. The session was held in the outskirts of Sofia at 19 PM, right after my classes, in other words going would have been a “pain in the ass.” I must admit two years ago I wouldn’t have gone simply because it’s too far away. Luckily though I was in the middle of a hustle research so I went, and I heard another point of view. I saw another alternative and that cheered me up immensely, mostly because after the session my head was brainstorming ideas on boosting my career, which I had no clue how to do before that. I would much rather stay home and keep myself to myself but if I want to be great I know the only way to it is out of my comfort zone.

Have respect for your craft.

I have made a commitment to myself to attend plays or watch movies of great directors every night when I don’t have to stay late for classes. That can be very tiring because my days can add up to 12 hours. I have classes which if I attend regularly will guarantee me a degree, I don’t have to break much of a sweat and that was never something demanded of me by my professors. However, in my head I have always wanted to become a great actress who will be remembered for her brilliant performances and then I picture how that would look like if I didn’t  know who Ibsen, Strindberg, Ionesco or Pinter are! How it would look like if I met a respected actor or director and didn’t know of their work! How freakin dumb that dream would be in reality if I didn’t have an opinion on theater. I dream of big things and I want to reach the highest level of this incredible performing art but I know I hold responsibility to it and I respect what it represents.  So, I wouldn’t even dream of accepting an Oscar if I didn’t know of Tarkovsky, Fellini or Antonioni. If that means I have to study extra hours or “sleep faster” then that’s how it will be.

Get used to fear.

A lot of times, what’s stopping us from reaching our goals is fear. Fear to take that big step, fear to change that job or to move out. On the contrary, a lot of times we make excuse not to do something because it’s reckless or requires too much effort or it might be dangerous, which is almost never the truth, we are simply lazy or scared. I believe Mel Robins spoke about that feeling where your brain is trying to protect you from doing uncomfortable things. I have felt that during my first year at drama school when we did this exercise where you have to go on stage, be given a word, for example “rain” and you have to make an etude with it right there on the spot.  I was petrified every time and I would clutch to my chair for dear life. After I realized the worst thing that could happen is to fail and learn something new I just did it mechanically following Robins’ 5 count rule. I would stand up from my chair and I would feel liberated. After several times that fear disappeared, or maybe I simply ignored it because there was something more interesting and imaginative happening to me than being scared. It’s like learning to swim. It’s pretty easy when someone is holding you and telling you what to do but once you are released to swim on your own there’s this tiny realization that YOU ARE on your own, depending on yourself.  That’s a bit scary at first but the moment you decide to trust your abilities you start to enjoy the water and turn like a seal against the waves. Now you can go in any direction you wish, something you couldn’t do the day before.

I guess hustle means an obsessive and crazy routine where you really put your heart and mind into something you find to be worth living for and makes you happy. It’s beautiful, tiring and uncomfortable, but “alright” is not enough anymore; I don’t think it ever was.

Be the soldier your dream needs

I had the most horrible night last night. I was feeling a bit sick all day yesterday, but regardless of that I went to school and rehearsed all day. Because I have this challenge to attend a play every night whenever I don’t have classes after 7PM I decided to push myself even further and go to one as well. By the time I was leaving the theater I felt really upset. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt emotionally and physically drained by the horrible low temperature outside. The moment I reached my home I took a hot shower and did everything to warm up my body to no avail. After some time spent in my heated room covered in two blankets with a vest on I was starting to feel normal, until I realized now I was burning hot. It turned out I had a fever. After a quick call with my mom I was given specific instructions on how to lower it down. I spent the night taking care of myself. It was horrible knowing I was all alone and my whole body was in pain. I missed my mom checking up on me every few hours the way she did when I was a kid. I missed that security and comfort. Now I was alone and there was no one to open the door and ask if I was alright. I was in a very bad mood. I even started to think this was a reaction to something bad that was going to happen in my life soon. Eventually I fell asleep and now I feel much better, but I wanted to reflect on that tiny sense of loneliness I felt.

I have a history of living on my own. When I was in my first university I had a horrible roommate because of whom I decided to live alone in a public hotel, where sometimes weird drunk students or couples fighting would bang on my door late at night. I have had asthma attacks on my own when I would have to somehow survive without my inhaler. I’ve gone through all sorts of crap on my own but that’s life. I couldn’t do my positivity exercise last night because I was too tired, but I did write it down today. It’s the fact I have a mom I can call to ask about anything and she’d never turn her back on me, ever. That’s the greatest thing in the world for me and it turns my loneliness to ashes. There are probably many girls like me, who live alone and who have very sensitive hearing late at night when they are in their beds, and there are probably many girls who wish someone would take care of them, guys too. This isn’t about feminism; it’s about the human need to feel cared and loved for, especially when you’re experiencing physical pain.  I bet there are a lot of people, both men and women who have felt this way and I just wish to say it’s alright. I think we are capable of dealing with anything on our way to our goals and desires. This subject gets me back to how one of my mentors used to call us every time before performance. He used to tell us we are soldiers and no matter what we will be getting on that stage tonight and fighting for our character’s truth. Didn’t matter if we were physically or emotionally unwell or if we were scared, we were soldiers and we were designed to desire the stage. It’s funny how theater helps me cope with my life yet again. And right now I do feel like a soldier whose purpose is not to look for a deeper meaning behind the fact I had a rough night on my own, but on how to get well sooner so I can attend rehearsals on Monday in good shape and fight for my truth, which is most definitely not loneliness. So, it’s alright.

There are plenty of things to be grateful for and to focus on even during tough days.  Everything is in our heads and it’s a choice we make. I made a choice to focus on the bright side of life this year and to stop with these superstitions and bad omens, which do nothing but add more stress to my life. As a rational human being I decided not to let those types of feelings and thoughts ruin the life I have built and enjoy immensely currently.

 

Hey you! Wanna be more positive this year?

I have been pondering over the subject of positivity for the past week. Lately, I have turned into a very negative person. Whenever I communicate with someone who’s annoyed me I spent hours judging them, especially if I felt they were invading my personal space in any way. I have been very focused on worst case scenarios, and looking back at my past I have convinced myself I have a reason to worry (Overcoming fears and traumas.)I took things so far that I caught myself thinking: “She has probably passed away and I will receive the news any day now” after my UK friend didn’t text me for a month. Overall, I have turned into a grumpy old man. I reached the conclusion this is not a healthy thought process and it’s definitely not who I am. So I took it upon myself to change the way I view the world.

You see, everything in life requires hard work, that includes our thoughts.  I have been practicing several exercises for two weeks and I have been feeling less stressed, more productive and quite happy.

  • The first exercise refers to the bad thoughts all of us have when someone manages to dance salsa on top of our nerves. It’s really easy to start pointing out all the things they are doing wrong, especially when they threaten our peace, and I know I, personally can indulge in endless sessions of vulgar feedback. What I’ve been doing instead is to start pointing out things I admire about these people. It was tough for me the first few times. My sister tested me a by making me point out things I like in people she knew I hated, one of which was a girl from my hometown who is like an intercom. She scans you and then spreads the word all over. My first remark on the girls was a sarcastic: “She has attention to details I guess.” After one week of practice I have noticed my thoughts are focused on finding admirable qualities in people and uttering positive adjectives, which is definitely changing my perspective and is helping me in my personal and professional life.
  • Being an actor in training isn’t easy mentally. I have had to sit and listen my mentors rant for hours about all sorts of bad things, sometimes telling us we are trash and lately it’s been rumors about my college closing, and all of that has brought a lot of anxiety and restless nights for me. I would enter the class room happy and exit it with my knuckles rapped. That’s where being an actor in training becomes handy though! I have decided to block out all the noise I don’t need to hear by concentrating on some of my favorite monologues or book quotes. I have them written down in my school notebook and whenever someone around me starts to rant I reread them or I imagine how they would sound like on stage. It’s been very helpful. The thing is, there are certain situations we hold no responsibility for, like the management of my college, or the way someone perceives me in my case. I don’t see why we should waste time and energy in matters that are after all nothing but a discussion.
  • I have a new little game I have decided to do every day. After dinner I sit down and spend about 5 minutes writing down something that made me happy or something I appreciated during the day. I combined it with a Stella Adler acting exercise where you are supposed to write what you like and dislike during the day and why to get a better understanding of your nature.  I like it, it’s fun. I have written down many silly things like : ‘I tried Chinese cabbage for the first time today- it was yummy.”

It’s been only one week but I feel a lot more relaxed and productive now that my mind isn’t preoccupied with useless things. I have more energy and I feel brighter.

As I have said before, knowing that the brain can’t tell the difference between what’s real and not is very useful in acting but unless it’s cultivated it can be fatal for living. We don’t use that trait to our advantage. How is it we know we can imagine the greatest things in the world and our brain will believe it but instead of indulging in a nice session of love and positivity we go straight for the pain and misery box?! When you are hungry- do you think about a delicious Lindor chocolate cake or a pork stomach with onions stuffed with snake skin over slightly boiled eggs?  I get it, we are scared of getting hurt or mislead, but nobody is guaranteed a smooth journey so spending hours worrying won’t somehow make the universe benevolent towards us. Might as well enjoy the moment and try to think about all the good things that could happen to us.

Happy New Year!

I have always wondered what it means to have a great New Year’s Eve. Before, I would always stress over where I would go, who I’d be with and whether I would have fun.  I have been at fancy clubs and restaurants, in villas with friends but I have never felt the happiness I feel right now, as I am saying hello to 2020 on my own.

I took a nice hot shower, lit a chocolate scented candle and spoke to Mr. B (who’s across the ocean) all evening. I ordered some sushi and filled in my goals for the next year. When the clock hit 12, I ran to the window to catch the fireworks and they were amazingly pretty. I managed to open my pink- colored champagne and bask in the love of my baby, knowing everyone I love is celebrating and being happy right now. I sound like a hippie, but I am truly excited and happy for the future, more than I have ever been on this day, and I did so in only my pj’s.

There’s more to that. It’s the fact I spent it alone that makes it so perfect. I am really glad that I feel so comfortable in my own company and that I didn’t feel sad or lonely. But why would I? We spend our whole life with ourselves and we are the only people who have been there all the time. I don’t mind celebrating the new beginning of this decade with the only person who will support me and make sure I accomplish my goals and stay happy-me.

It’s funny that few years ago I had this same conversation with Mr. B during this same time. He was trying to convince me self-love is very important. I didn’t understand it back then and I thought he was very selfish.  Today I realize why this man is so important to me! He was right. We have to be able to live with ourselves and love who we are in order to appreciate life fully. I think I can say wholeheartedly I reached that point in my life and I am very happy about it. Lesson learnt!

I truly hope you had a great New Year’s Eve yourself and that 2020 brings you nothing but joy!

 

P.S.

If you are interested  to know how my little New Year’s date with myself went, feel free to check out my Instagram. Cheers! 🥂

A little rant about a Merry Christmas!

Going home for the holidays is a whirmpool of emotions and thoughts. It’s never about taking an actual break, to read or to sleep. There’s always a lot of sugar involved, a lot of relatives to see, working on something extra, a lot of alcohol… It gets me, personally, anxious and tired. It gets my family tired.

As a kid all I experienced during this time was fun! I slept until late and then watched cartoons while eating candy. Then dad, sis and I would go play in the snow and slide on the small hill behind the house. We would come home all red and wet and we’d sit by the stove to warm up, while eating oranges and baking their peel. I  can never forget that smell. I would sometimes stick my head inside the christmas tree (i wasn’t a particularly smart child) and watch the shiny toys and the lights. I would get coloring books and barbies for Christmas, which was the best thing ever! As a kid I adored this time of the year. Now it’s all about chores and “have to’s”.

Holidays are stressful. Grandmas are asking about your love life, high school friends are being judgnental, parents are over – working theselves and they worry you, things don’t seem perfect, but it’s not about perfection. It’s about taking a deep breath and realizing everyone is doing the best they can and  we are not done loving and being loved. I think that feeling is pretty cool.

Honestly, I don’t really know what this post is about. I’m writing it next to my sleeping mom and I feel so happy I can snuggle next to her again. I also felt happy being surounded by my family last night. The table was set nicely, there was a lot of food, desserts, the room was warm. Everyone I love is alive and well. I feel very thankful for that. 

I guess this is my way of wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and letting you know I think you’re doing an amazing job.

P. S.

Stay off too much sugar 🍭

 

Overcoming fears and traumas.

Winter is here. People are starting to wear thicker clothes, sweaters, scarfs with reindeer; I can see kids biting chocolate Santas while being pulled by their parents who are carrying gift bags and groceries. The day is much shorter. I can feel the air pinching my cheeks. There are a lot of tangerines and oranges being sold outside on the street kiosks. Everything seems merry and normal for everyone but me. I don’t like winter and each year has been a certifier of my loath for it. For some time I thought it was because of the cold and the inconvenience connected to it, and while that may have something to do with my hate, it isn’t the whole truth.

Winter has brought quite a lot of traumatic experiences to me. It was in the winter when I lost both of my grandparents. It was in the winter when I got hit by a car. It was in the winter when I was left with no place to live. It was in the winter when I had to deal with depression. Basically, all the horrible things in my life happened during this dreadfully cold season. I hate to admit that it has left some bitterness in me and every year I feel a sense of fear when it begins. If you have seen the movie “Where the heart is” with Natalie Portman, I have a phobia similar to that of the main character- she was scared of the number five, I’m scared of winter.  I hate the sensation of it. Yesterday my sister and I went shopping for winter shoes in the Mall. There were Christmas decorations everywhere, people were laughing and walking around buying woolen sweaters and big mugs, kids were playing with fake snow inside the rinks, just a happy place, one would think. All I felt was anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong, shit happens every day, regardless of the time and place, but there’s something unusually eerie about the fact it always happens in the winter for me. I have decided this won’t happen again. Not because I will use law of attraction and positive thinking to navigate the world and the wave of issues that might be coming my way, but because I will become a stronger person. The change will come from within me.

I have been trying to spend more time around my fears. Like my fear of the dark. The place I live in has a backyard which I need to cross before I can get in the apartment building. It can get scary when the lights don’t work, and when I add the fact I am a woman who lives on her own, a woman studying drama, a woman with a huge imagination span. I have seen so many things in that yard- raptors, the clown from IT, ex boyfriends, ghosts, everything! Sometimes I see them while I do sprints… It’s not like that anymore. I sometimes enter the backyard and just sit in the dark like that for a couple of minutes. It’s actually nice- dark and quiet, and I like quiet. It’s the same with the sensation of winter. I spend a lot of time on stage now, and nobody is willing to turn on the heating of such a huge hall for a rehearsals, it’s just too costly. This means I spend about 12 hours in the cold. I don’t mind it anymore.  It’s funny how I am willing to change everything about myself for the purpose of becoming a better actor. I don’t want to skip rehearsals because I’m cold, or because I’m trembling or even sick. Actors don’t yawn or sneeze or cough or tremble. It’s not like I’m going to see this huge stage and get the chance to be in it but refuse because it’s freezing.  Speaking of acting, I might be given the chance to play Lady Macbeth. That is huge! This role is captivating, challenging and if done well a sure rode to success. Maybe you have heard about the curse around Macbeth and that whenever someone utters his name on stage something really bad happens and that’s usually the death of the actors playing in it. Now, I am a little bit superstitious, but for my craft I am ready to sacrifice everything. I have been repeating “Macbeth” every time when I’m on stage, often siting under iron bars that hold the searchlights, which gets my colleagues upset, I often get someone’s hand over my mouth when I start repeating it, but tell me: would I be wise to refuse such a great role for “a curse” or something like that?! Of course not! So, the solution is to get out of my heard. Fears, anxiety, traumas often deprive us from the chance to explore ourselves and to reach our most secret desires but we live once, I figured. I don’t want to waste my life in mind games.  At the end of the day, that’s what all of this is- a mind game.

The thing about traumatic experiences (for me, at least) is that often there’s the factor of denial that anything happened at all, or if not denial there’s this desire for quick recovery, almost too sudden and unnatural.  I, personally, never gave time for my wounds to heal, I never acknowledged them and I guess they piled up in my mind, letting me remember them every time I see the first snowflake falling. But, that’s over with. It’s extremely pleasant to admit to your fears and flaws.  I created this blog because I wanted to express my appreciation and faith for the human strength both mental and physical. I don’t think there are impossible things, I think we can achieve everything with discipline and self-awareness, I believe we can strive for more, we can achieve more and I just love exploring this world and the people in it. Fear, security, self-doubt, winter – those are the kind of things that stop us from following our dreams and living happy lives… It’s absurd because the minute we dive into our fears we discover something new about ourselves and often that’s: “Hey, that wasn’t so bad”. It’s just emotions and thoughts about things that might not even be real. It is absurd! So, here I am, in a quest to start loving winter and learning to accept life rather than expect it.

I don’t know if there’s a magical force that sprinkles shit on my head every time December  1st hits, or maybe it’s just a coincidence, none of that matters, because we can’t change the course of life. What matters is how we overcome and how we make something out of it.

Falling in love with Shakespeare

Today, yet again, I found out how wonderful it is to be an actor. Not because you can avoid a ticket on the highway with ease, or give fake phone calls trying to obtain information for your friends; not because you get ovations at the end of a play or of the admiration of fans, but because of the personal rewarding ability to understand any human destiny.

I am still waiting to find out what I will play in our Shakespeare showcase for the end of the semester, which brought some distress to me, but then I realized any character in Shakespeare allows for a vast amount of creativity and choice, which is rare in modern drama, in my opinion. Furthermore, all of his characters have amazing fates and roles, nothing and nobody should or can be overlooked.

I found compassion in Hamlet. I had to audition for the part of Hamlet and I just didn’t seem to understand the philosophy behind him. I thought it had to be super complicated. Finally, I had a fit and decided my Hamlet was going to utter his famous “to be or not to be” in front of his father’s grave. Everything fell in place, at least inside my emotional world, when I decided his circumstances. I felt my heart rip to pieces as I was kneeling in front of the imaginary grave of king Hamlet. I really wanted to speak to him and ask for help, which suddenly turned less philosophical or complicated and more humane and purposeful.  As an actor I loved the fact I was speaking on the behalf of someone else, which I’ve forgotten to do after my summer vacation. I have no idea what it feels like to be a guy whose uncle killed his father, the king, and is currently married to his mother after only two months of the king’s passing, I have no idea what it feels like to be a prince of Denmark. So, it wasn’t my place to compare with my feelings, I had to find Hamlet’s, which was a wonderful journey for me, and it still is.

I started out thinking Shakespeare’s drama was very far away from me, but I’m starting to love it. I love how my tongue twists saying all of those beautiful words, and long sentences, while my emotions dance with them. I have never felt such desire to speak words, though it still feels uneasy at times because of the poetic step and it’s strangely difficult to memorize certain parts but it’s beyond pleasure to be involved in Shakespearean project.

 

It’s also funny, how Shakespeare changed my way of perceiving characters.  None of his characters can be called bad or good. For instance, I read Othello few days ago, and thought Iago was the villain and the reason Othello strangled Desdemona. I am reading it for a second time and I find Iago’s soliloquy to be filled with truth about life, and though he’s cynical and his intentions are indeed filled with spite, I found a liking to him. I think Iago is a representation of yet another person on this world who was overlooked for someone younger and prettier, rather than skillful. I started questioning Desdemona and Othello, mostly Othello. Who is really two faced? Is Othello as wise and peaceful as he makes himself appear? Is Desdemona really in love with him? Suddenly Iago was predicting everything based on those character’s weaknesses and his ability to see through people. He was right about everything. I have decided to audition for Iago and try to point out what I saw, and actually defend him.  At first I saw a tragic love story, now I see a story about justice and injustice.

I think everybody should read Shakespeare and take the time to examine and question every word, every character and every circumstance. Nothing is what it seems. Not in Shakespeare and most certainly not in life.

Stop thinking and start doing!

My father has always told me that the most important thing in my life is discipline. My cousins and I would often laugh at his constant obsession with that sentence: “The most important thing is discipline.” Well, we should have listened more and humor less. It turns out my father is extremely right.

The truth is motivation is no longer enough to push us to greatness. It’s very poetic and it’s very pleasant to feel motivated but in the 5 AM morning it’s the las thing we ever think about. I have had days when I would wake up early and feel upset, questioning why I’m doing this to myself instead of just sleeping extra or eating extra or watching one extra episode of my favorite show. I seldom answer it with: “Oh, because you want to do great things”, and I seldom find that ringing sensation in my heart that I felt the day before when I was planning that early morning or that food regime. Discipline may not be as captivating as inspiration but it’s much more effective and powerful. It’s that soldier mode we need in order to grow. You just have to do things, you don’t have to question them or think about it, you are only required to execute tasks every day, at the same time for the rest of your days or for the period you need it.

There are so many instances like going to the gym every day. I’m sure you have all had that moment when you felt super great going, and days when you found hundreds of excuses not to go. It’s raining, it’s too late, I’m tired, I don’t feel like it… If you develop the mindset that you just have to do it like it’s your job, the chances of getting fit are much higher. That’s what I learnt this summer while working as a bartender; you just have to do things. I would set a routine for my work and I would execute it daily because the stakes were high, in my mind at least. I take everything I do to heart, so in my head everything had to be perfect and clean, because if health inspection came I would have to protect the facility I worked for and my reputation otherwise they would shut it down, people would lose their jobs, the owners would suffer and I would forever be known as the girl who couldn’t do it (yes, I’m dramatic and competitive like that). The routine I had was very helpful- time passed faster, everything seemed clean and tidy, I felt fulfilled that the job was done and I didn’t have to think about it. So, I was thinking, how come I can do this for a summer job but not for my life? It’s extremely simple to grab a hold of our lives and do the things we want to in a healthy, positive way.

Discipline deprives us of doubt and all those feelings we don’t really need to distract us while we fight for what’s rightfully ours. It all comes to three simple things:

  1. Sit down and decide what you want in life.
  2. Research on what you need to do in order to reach what you want in life
  3. Do it every day for the rest of your life.

 

I will pass something to you that one of my mentors would tell us before every performance: “Don’t be afraid of the stage, want it, seek it! You are soldiers!”

How to become a positive person in one easy step.

I had a really stressful day today, so I decided to end it with a little exercise which would help me see the glass half full rather than half empty. Since today marks the beginning of my second school year, I decided to give myself a balance sheet. So, here it is, what I’m grateful for in myife…

  1. My family. My family drove me nuts this summer. Spending three months with them felt exhausting. Their lack of responsibility towards their life and health made me want to slit my own throat on many occasions. But, I am one lucky girl to have them. I am the luckiest girl on Earth actually. I have never felt so loved, and nobody has ever cared for me as they do, regardless of the circumstances, they believe in me no matter what, and although I rarely say it they are the reason I want to be better and succeed in life- for them and because of them. They are the reason I am where I am now, and they have given me everything they could to help me develop and grow. If I reach even a fraction of their level of kindness, commitment, honor and love I will die a fulfilled woman. I am grateful for each one of them and I want to spend the rest of my life appreciating them as they appreciate me.

 

  1. Being in drama school. Despite the difficult day I had today, where I had to deal with the dark side of being an actor (a.k.a false accusations, double-faced behavior, jealousy and personal attacks without a good reason) I am happy to be given the chance to study acting nevertheless. I worked hard to be here and after trying many other options for different career it is here I feel I truly belong. I was supposed to be doing this and because I had to be wait for it for so long I feel nothing but appreciation for every hour I spend at my college. I felt fear while I was listening to the awkward conversation my mentor had with us about how miserable we are as people, not as actors, but I also felt determination to crush all of those false prejudices into pieces through hard work and full commitment to the craft, not to pay attention to social misunderstandings. I am grateful for the strength I felt today despite the ugly way I received it.

 

  1. I was happy to meet my friends after a long while on our first schoolday today. We got to tell each other stories from the summer, exchange gifts and enjoy some positive company. I got extremely charged by them. It’s difficult to find good friends who would be there for you and who you can tell everything to. As a private person I didn’t think that was even possible, but I was proven wrong by a group of people who simply light up my days. I see strength in them, I see determination, I see talent, and it’s pleasure to work with individuals with such qualities. They inspire me, and they contribute to my happiness, for which I am thankful.

 

  1. The love of my life. Love is not easy. Not one bit. But once you find it, it just makes life different. Everything is more: the colors of the world seem brighter, the air feels fresher, nothing seems to be impossible, taste feels sweeter; love just gives extra flavor to everything. I am thankful for having that in my life, and despite my doubts that I don’t; I feel it every day in my heart because life seems a better place with that person on my mind. Big thank you to Mr. B for that.

 

  1. My sister. One section won’t be enough to explain what that woman means to me, and what she has done for me, including saving my life. I am not joking. When I was a little girl I loved lighting those Christmas sticks that sparkle once you fire them.  I lit one up in my parents’ bedroom while I was playing but because the sparks were starting to reach the end of the stick and my hand I dropped it over the bed’s woolen covers. Of course, everything went in flames in seconds and because I was so little all I did was scream and jump in one place. My brave sister came in, managed the fire, and pulled me away from the room. If it wasn’t for her, I would have died right there. She practically raised me without knowing.  In my mind no matter where I am, it’s always: “Big sister said not to do that”, “Big sister said if I do that I would be a good girl.” She is my role-model, and I am very proud of her every achievement and who she is. As I said, I am the luckiest girl on Earth for having such kindness, beauty and grace in my life.

 

  1. My mentors. I met many great people in Sofia for the past 4 years, but the ones that stand out are the acting mentors I have had, Micky in particular. I always say I want to become a rich bitch one day, but now that I think about it, I already am. None of my colleagues have the person I have, the one I can turn to for advice, who I can trust, who has been holding my hand along the way and who truly cares for me and sees me as more than asset. She is worth million bucks and more. She  is another great woman in my life that I have been blessed to meet, also the woman who prepared me for drama admission exams and who helped me grow humоngously in the way I work. A woman I have all the respect for. I used to be sad I didn’t get in Drama School from the first time, but after I met Micky the following year, I knew everything was simply meant to be, and I was yet again lucky to gain such a great friend, mentor, and inspiration.

 

  1. Roof, heat, water, food. Many people are deprived from that. There is not much to talk about the obvious importance and vitality of those things but it’s important to acknowledge the fact we have them. I sometimes think about life without them. The world is a nasty place, it’s cruel, stressful, unfair, and we often overthink and get upset about shits but the truth is things can go really wrong in a matter of seconds, in a matter of a single breath. We could end up alone, bitter and powerless against evil that is much bigger than what we can imagine. I think it wouldn’t hurt to remain humble in that sense and make an effort to appreciate our lives as overbearing as we might make them out to be, and to remember every day is a gift.

 

I encourage you to sit down and think about what you have. It’s the easiest way to feel some positivity within yourself in difficult moments because you are working with facts. It’s a fact you love someone or you have a car you like, for instance. It’s a fact you had carrot juice today and it tasted super delicious. You can’t deny facts…