My dilemma

There’s one thing that’s been bothering me for more than a year. Life goes on, good things happen, bad things happen, boring things happen, amazing things happen…But somewhere in that mesh, my mind keeps coming back to one thing, one item I lost as a child, which has been haunting me these days.

When I was about seven years old my grandmother showed me a purse. It was a family purse and it was very pretty. It was a small square with silver handles. The purse was brown and glossy, very vintage and chick. I begged my grandmother to allow me to wear this purse during a concert in our small town one night. After so much begging she said yes, and I excitedly put all my precious belongings in the purse: a little comb with glitter, a mirror, and a pencil sharpener. I remember there were a lot of people waiting to enter the hall, we were all pushing each other and all I concentrated on was holding on to my sister’s hand. Once we were out of the crowd I noticed my purse was gone. I ran back to the entrance and looked for it, but I couldn’t see it. I promised my grandmother I would give it back and I failed. Everything I thought was beautiful, glamorous, and felt was mine was gone.

A few years later, I started spending a lot of time in the theatre where the concert was held. That’s where all my acting began, so I would roam around the rooms and the costume room. One day we were supposed to pick some props for a show and something extraordinary happened. I saw my purse! I was told the purse was found by the guards, but since nobody came to ask for it they left it in the costume room since it was so pretty. I named everything I had left in the purse as a kid to prove my ownership and there it was a mirror, comb, and pencil sharpener. I was asked: “Oh, ok, do you want it back?” “No.”

At that time, I thought it was the right thing to do. If my purse could be used for a great play, and if I knew a part of me was nested inside the building, I knew it was all fine. It was the right thing to do, it made sense and it was best for everybody.  I never thought of the purse since. More than ten years…nothing.

Last year, however, it came to my mind again. I was walking home from the grocery store one night and I thought I needed to have that purse to prove to myself I can get anything I want. It was complicated, it was awkward and childish of me, but I began searching for it. I called some old friends from the theatre to ask if I can take a look in the costume room for the purse. The lady who keeps the costumes at bay contacted me and told me she could not find it, but I’m welcome any time to see for myself.  I spend one whole summer in my hometown before I moved away to another country and I never went there. I kept thinking about it, but I never did. It’s become a symbol I think. It’s still the proof I need to myself that I can get anything I want even if it’s from the past, yet it’s also my reminder that some things we should not have. Some things are not what we need. 

I leave myself to fight off these feelings constantly. My incredible hate towards people who have my possessions, my jealousy towards people who have what I want, and my maturity, which realizes if something is not coming to me then it’s not meant to be with me. I don’t know who would win in the end. Maybe I will march back home and find the purse and I know I can find it easily, I know exactly where it would be, it’s like an instinct. Or maybe I will accept that the purse was never meant to be mine and I never ever owned it, I never spend enough time with it, just a gorgeous night once when I placed everything important to me in it and it disappeared. Let’s see who wins- desire or maturity…I will let you know how it goes.

It’s tough, but you’re tougher

I had a few rough weeks. I didn’t know what the next step was, so I fell into a frenzy. I just wanted to sleep, find the strength to go to work, and then go back to sleep. I thought I might have burned out due to working 7 days a week for the past 6 months, but I understood the reason was much more complex.

I believe the world makes us dive into negativity easily and we swim in it for days, like those kids in big hotel resorts who splash around the pool pee in it, bring food in it and simply annoy every single guest on the premises. The only way to leave the fun pool is to get dragged by authority. I was the authority this week. I grabbed myself by the neck and I pulled myself out of the water.

I made some major changes. I decided to spend the money I used for a therapist to get a new gym membership at a much nicer and badass gym. I figured my therapist can’t tell me anything I already don’t know and I figured I don’t really need to talk about it. I need change and actions. I like going to that gym, it’s a place where I channel all my anger and release it. I like starting my day with it, feeling my skin sweat, and feeling how I push myself every time. My trainer uses much more therapeutic words like: “Yeah, it’s tough, but you’re tougher.” And I like that concept a lot. I like spending time in the sauna after and being in the moment. I like taking a shower and going to the café across the street to read David Mamet’s plays and plan my week. I found that doing something for myself and my passion before work helps me go through anything.  I feel fresh and determined and most of all I take action.

That’s the next change I made. Everything in my life right now is about acting. When I have a moment at work I start listening to directors’ podcasts or Martin Scorsese commentaries on movies like Taxi Driver. Once I’m home I rehearse my monthly monologue task and then it’s either watching another amazing movie from my list or watching masterclasses. I start my day with a play and end it by sending my Resume to every opportunity I see that fits my profile. I’m waiting and working, as any actor should.

Finally, I changed the way I execute and plan tasks. Charts have been very helpful in that regard since I’m a visual person, I like to see my progress and what else I need to accomplish. The focus of my charts has been my habits. That’s how I monitor what I eat, how much water I drink, and whether I do my acting meditations and workouts. The more ticks I see in the charts the more satisfied I feel… it feels better than smoking a cigarette while listening to Iron Maiden on a cool night… That’s my new obsession- being strong and following my own orders strictly.

 I accepted the fact nobody is going to save this damsel from her distress a long time ago, so now I’m the only person who can help me, take care of me, and push me forward. That’s how damsels turn into assassins I guess… But there are many amazing things coming to this blog and outside of it. The mornings I have for myself have given me the opportunity to create a spreadsheet with tasks and goals which I will be sharing with all of you, faithful readers who have been with me on this journey since 2018. Let’s make the rest of the year one awesome masterpiece. Let’s just keep pushing, keep thinking, and showing up. We got this!