Sometimes on my way to work I think about the person I want to become. I listen to music, I make plans and I envision little dreams. I think about my business idea, about how empowered I would feel, how I would shoot covers and make these incredible speeches at events, how I would produce my own movies. I think about the things I would give my family and how great I would look and feel. Then life starts to tests me to see if I can actually get there, if I have what it takes as a character.
My final interview for a very elite law firm was another test of life. I thought to myself- rent a hotel room so you can secure quiet and comfortable space for yourself. I thought I should be more analytical and by statistics all the interviews I’ve had with this place have been challenging on another level. I took a day off work, but I decided renting a room would be a bit too extreme. So I tested the data. Ten minutes before my interview my landlord had to call an ambulance because she wasn’t feeling well. I could not just ignore her state. I went to check on her first and make sure she was feeling at least fine. I went back into my room and I did my interview where I again nailed it in ways I can’t describe. The manager I spoke to was also one of the top lawyers and his specialty was venture capital investment. Somehow between my beating heart and the background noise of the paramedics I convinced him to find a way for me to learn more about venture capital investment if I was hired at the position because I wanted to empower Eastern European women to learn more about investing. I convinced him to believe in a platform that existed only in my head. We spoke about hobbies and fun things as well, we also spoke about my experience and I somehow passed “the bar.” I was offered a job and the offer was extremely good with all the adult benefits such as private health care and a generous pay. No bullshits such as food coupons or points in some dumb app. These people were serious.
I asked friends and family what they thought and I got annoyed when they all encouraged me to accept. Instead of being happy about it I spent all day thinking about how bad it all was. I thought about all the ways this could go wrong, how it would sabotage my plans how it will grab me by the throat and it will enslave me.
I have been working on this mechanism: the switch. When I was a little girl, my grandmother used to tell me I have two personalities: the good Vasilena and the bad Vasilena. When I was mischievous she would make me open the stove and throw the bad Vasilena in the flames. Lately, I’ve been trying to resurrect her from the flames. When I feel a lot of pain or when I’m scared to the point of anxiety I just switch. I stop feeling things. I used the same mechanism now. I just sopped feeling anything about it, or I started thinking about how great I would look in suits, how I will probably change my personality again and how I might travel to the USA and meet a lot of shark lawyers who may or may not become my friends. I stopped feeling, but I started picturing HER and the “little” dreams again. Life was handing me a lot of interesting things: meeting with one of the biggest stars in the UK, being hired by one of the most elite law firms in the USA… I just had to now make something of it. That’s the thing I love about London: it’s a city of opportunities if you are strong enough to wait for them. So many successful people started from here. Sometimes I pass by the Victoria Theater on my way to work and the other day I just stood in front of it for a few minutes. I thought about Arnold and how he came here as an immigrant and how his first major competition was at the very same Victoria Theater. I tried to picture how he felt that day: was he looking at the same features of the building as I was. Was he excited, scared, hopeful? I liked feeling like I was standing in the footsteps of greatness. But greatness is scary, lonely and confusing. Suddenly I felt less stressed. I accepted the offer. I wanted to say yes to everything. Be as it may.
I’m not nervous about how I would perform. I’m nervous of how well I will keep to my goals for the year. Which again makes things a lot less relating to emotions and a lot more towards being more focused and sufficient. I don’t have to always make the right choice, I just have to make the choice right for me.
I also remembered what I was when I first came. I was scared, naive and sweet. I went from a girl who didn’t want to take extra money for a training at the fast food chain to someone who threatened to sue a company for delaying my payment. I feel more confident and fearless. I also realize most immigrants who come to the UK from Bulgaria work as cleaners, drivers or constructors. I’m resilient: I’m learning, I’m struggling and I’m clawing my way through. Maybe not as fast as someone else could, but I’m also ahead of others. I’m in the race, so I will race. I love moments like these when I cry in my coffin room, where I don’t like this and that and when I’m scared, because after I switch I start to experiment. I didn’t know how to approach talking to Bill Nighy, now I want to try and show him clips of what I’ve done. I have nothing to lose. I was scared the other day of where I would go next, now I’m thinking how to ask the HR from the Firm how her dog was feeling after the horrible winds in Boston. I’m thinking how I’m going to become friends with all thee fucking sharks I meet.
And that’s the beauty of the switch: it goes up, not down.
I want up, not down.