The lone wolf and the switch

Sometimes on my way to work I think about the person I want to become. I listen to music, I make plans and I envision little dreams. I think about my business idea, about how empowered I would feel, how I would shoot covers and make these incredible speeches at events, how I would produce my own movies. I think about the things I would give my family and how great I would look and feel. Then life starts to tests me to see if I can actually get there, if I have what it takes as a character.

My final interview for a very elite law firm was another test of life. I thought to myself- rent a hotel room so you can secure quiet and comfortable space for yourself. I thought I should be more analytical and by statistics all the interviews I’ve had with this place have been challenging on another level. I took a day off work, but I decided renting a room would be a bit too extreme. So I tested the data. Ten minutes before my interview my landlord had to call an ambulance because she wasn’t feeling well. I could not just ignore her state. I went to check on her first and make sure she was feeling at least fine. I went back into my room and I did my interview where I again nailed it in ways I can’t describe. The manager I spoke to was also one of the top lawyers and his specialty was venture capital investment. Somehow between my beating heart and the background noise of the paramedics I convinced him to find a way for me to learn more about venture capital investment if I was hired at the position because I wanted to empower Eastern European women to learn more about investing. I convinced him to believe in a platform that existed only in my head. We spoke about hobbies and fun things as well, we also spoke about my experience and I somehow passed “the bar.” I was offered a job and the offer was extremely good with all the adult benefits such as private health care and a generous pay. No bullshits such as food coupons or points in some dumb app. These people were serious.

I asked friends and family what they thought and I got annoyed when they all encouraged me to accept. Instead of being happy about it I spent all day thinking about how bad it all was. I thought about all the ways this could go wrong, how it would sabotage my plans how it will grab me by the throat and it will enslave me.

I have been working on this mechanism: the switch. When I was a little girl, my grandmother used to tell me I have two personalities: the good Vasilena and the bad Vasilena. When I was mischievous she would make me open the stove and throw the bad Vasilena in the flames. Lately, I’ve been trying to resurrect her from the flames. When I feel a lot of pain or when I’m scared to the point of anxiety I just switch. I stop feeling things. I used the same mechanism now. I just sopped feeling anything about it, or I started thinking about how great I would look in suits, how I will probably change my personality again and how I might travel to the USA and meet a lot of shark lawyers who may or may not become my friends. I stopped feeling, but I started picturing HER and the “little” dreams again. Life was handing me a lot of interesting things: meeting with one of the biggest stars in the UK, being hired by one of the most elite law firms in the USA… I just had to now make something of it. That’s the thing I love about London: it’s a city of opportunities if you are strong enough to wait for them. So many successful people started from here. Sometimes I pass by the Victoria Theater on my way to work and the other day I just stood in front of it for a few minutes. I thought about Arnold and how he came here as an immigrant and how his first major competition was at the very same Victoria Theater. I tried to picture how he felt that day: was he looking at the same features of the building as I was. Was he excited, scared, hopeful? I liked feeling like I was standing in the footsteps of greatness. But greatness is scary, lonely and confusing. Suddenly I felt less stressed. I accepted the offer. I wanted to say yes to everything. Be as it may.

I’m not nervous about how I would perform. I’m nervous of how well I will keep to my goals for the year. Which again makes things a lot less relating to emotions and a lot more towards being more focused and sufficient. I don’t have to always make the right choice, I just have to make the choice right for me.

I also remembered what I was when I first came. I was scared, naive and sweet. I went from a girl who didn’t want to take extra money for a training at the fast food chain to someone who threatened to sue a company for delaying my payment. I feel more confident and fearless. I also realize most immigrants who come to the UK from Bulgaria work as cleaners, drivers or constructors. I’m resilient: I’m learning, I’m struggling and I’m clawing my way through. Maybe not as fast as someone else could, but I’m also ahead of others. I’m in the race, so I will race. I love moments like these when I cry in my coffin room, where I don’t like this and that and when I’m scared, because after I switch I start to experiment. I didn’t know how to approach talking to Bill Nighy, now I want to try and show him clips of what I’ve done. I have nothing to lose. I was scared the other day of where I would go next, now I’m thinking how to ask the HR from the Firm how her dog was feeling after the horrible winds in Boston. I’m thinking how I’m going to become friends with all thee fucking sharks I meet.

And that’s the beauty of the switch: it goes up, not down.

I want up, not down.

The lone wolf and the vision

I’ve been actively reading Arnold’s Total Recall book, which is over 600 pages. I like that fact since I get to spend time with him for longer, and I take a small sip every day.

I find many things similar with my life. Arnold started from a small town, with no connections and nothing but a dream. I started that way too. As a kid he would wander the streets and the neighboring city asking strangers for money, which is something I also have done as a kid, not because I was extremely poor but because I would want to get something and I would just ask strangers to get it for me and they would. Arnold wanted to be the best, I also wanted and still want to be the best.

Sometimes I wonder whether it’s the right thing for me to read a man’s biography and have the same convictions and desires as a man. Like, I want to buy an apartment building too and I want it to pay for itself. After reading some chapters I started to brain storm ideas I wanted to try this year. I pictured how I get into Uni and how I buy a vending machine which I could place in the dorms, which is something I’m saving for right now. I pictured how I give Russian Lessons between classes, which is also why I started revisiting Russian. The Russian lessons is also a great way to meet more people and make connections for my future business plan to create a learning platform. I’m thinking about starting a new venture with reselling items as well. I just want to try and experiment things while I study. Sure, I feel maybe it’s not something that I should be doing as a grown woman, but at the same time I feel so proud of myself for the small milestones but what’s shitty is I don’t have a system of approval. Meaning, I don’t have a mentor or advisor who can teach me, I learn as I go. For instance today I saw an article of a guy who was giving advise to people on how to save 3k in 6 months. I was a bit shocked because I saved 3k in two months, but I always thought that’s a small amount of money, now I’m thinking maybe I’m doing alright if someone else needs 6 months…

Or another instance, this weekend I met Bill Nighy. He came in to get some lunch and tea. He was sitting two feet away from me. While I was working I would follow him with the corner of my eye and I would have this debate with myself:” You have to introduce yourself! But, what would I say, I have nothing to show him..But you want to be an actor! If you don’t say hi at least, what are we even doing here, Vasilena!” I waited for him to finish his meal and when I saw him stand up I approached him. Here’s what I said:

“ Mr. Nighy, Could I ask you a question if that’s not too much trouble.” He was super nice and he talked to me! Me! “ I moved here to become an actor. Could you please offer me some advise on what I need to look out for or how to begin.” He told me to train my accent and that I should get an agent. He was extremely helpful and he finished by saying: “ I come here often, we will talk more.” he shook my hand and left. Now, I was very proud of myself for doing that and excited as ever. I texted all my relatives and I felt this boost of energy! I was on the right track! This is the place to be! When I calmed down I started to criticize though. I felt I could have done better. I could have asked what he was reading. I could have asked what he was working on. I could have shared what I’m reading now, what I dream of producing, etc. I didn’t do brilliant. But after judging myself for a while I thought: “But, I didn’t have anyone who could teach me how to communicate with people of such rank. I didn’t have the knowledge of how to market myself. I was learning right now, on the spot and I would have to learn on my own and it would have to be through painful and awkward interaction and analysis.“

I loved that for some reason. My mind is working on over drive. There’s so much to do. I thought of how I could start acting somewhere in the city and invite him to watch or I could show him something I do in the future. It would just take some time and a lot of “ Hi, how are you today.” In a very appropriate and non stalking way of course.

I have a vision just like Arnold. I like thinking bout her. A beautiful, smart woman. Independent, giving, contributing, better… I see myself like Arnold- conquering two fields.

I also realize the loneliness in that. There are chapters in Arnold’s book I don’t like. I don’t like how rarely he went home to his family or how he missed his brother and father’s funeral. My heart was tight while I was reading it because I felt this is also something I would have to follow myself, maybe not to that extreme, but my being was resisting this lesson. I was judging him. And as I was judging him I asked myself whether I was judging or trying to convince myself this is not necessary when in fact it was…

Being away fro my home is difficult, but going back is also difficult. Not only financially, but also because of the way we interact. I don’t care about the family feuds for instance. It seems meaningless, who said what, who wants to compete, who gave what gift, blah-blah-blah. I’m mad at them sometimes for it because I need them to be stronger than that. I need them to still believe in themselves and to battle those stupid demons in their heads. It’s difficult for me when they treat me like a child or tell me what to do as if I depend on them when I live thousands of miles away on my own and I’m rocking it- on my own. I don’t have someone who picks me up from the airport at night or someone who pays my bills or someone who hugs me when I’m upset. I’m solo, bitch! So it’s difficult to come back home and hear: “ When are you getting married?” “ Your big brother will drive you.” “ You need to like this post and you need to visit this person.” I also don’t like going back to my home town anymore. It’s not the same… it’s filled with back stabbing and jealous people. Every time I go home I get a head ache and a stomach ache, sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I know it’s because the energy in that city is off and I don’t like it. I also don’t like my parents living there. I want to get them out of there as often as I can so I have planned trips for them. Egypt for dad, Paris for mom, Spain for me. I made it clear I will not ask them for permission I would just give them notice that they are going to see the world and that’s that.

But I understand Arnold… ever since I’ve been back and excluding the drama I’ve been more sufficient and I see how my goals are being accomplished easier.

I feel lonely, some nights I just wish I could talk to someone on my level for hours about what visions I have, what could go wrong and what could go right. I wish I had someone who could understand me. My sister is usually that person but now that she has a baby it’s difficult to talk longer than 30 minutes. I still love hearing my nephew making baby noises in the back ground, the endorphin is unreal. But then I think of him as well. Arnold took care of his brother’s son, he paid for his tuition at uni and he was keeping an eye on him which from my standpoint is much more valuable than being able to cuddle him as a baby. I want to be that aunt as well. I want to give chances to my nephew and be able to get him in the best universities and the best cities. So I won’t be singing him to sleep, but I will be protecting him all his life.

For now I want to spend time with my vision and I want to play. At the end of the day I do like it, I like learning and I like experimenting. Like what will happen if I say this or if I do this. It gives me freedom and perspective.